sleepless nights~~

hey guys, yeah u may see im crazy posting this blog on 5 something in the morning where I should be sleeping on my bed...well..what can I say..I couldnt sleep...having sleepless nights everyday worsen my headache..at times I wil make myself very busy on daylight so I will be very tired at night and I can sleep till next morning..but eventually I will still wake up in the middle of the night and thinking how am I gonna let this all go....I was watching tv just now as I couldnt sleep..I pick up a sentence from the drama series "CSI"..apparently the girl told this guy "I am mad at myself..mad at myself for falling for you and now having to figure out to get back out from all of this"..it struck me in the mind...but for me..it wasnt the same case as they are couple in the show and Im all alone having to fight this out..I thought i would get "better in time" like what the song said but I haven't move on from the old wound...i noe that that "ku harus meninggalkanmu,ku harus melupakanmu" but my mind still thinks of how happy I am when I was with you..what I have now is pictures of us smiling and I knew it wouldnt be the same again if we were to take pics again..I use to think that "baby its you when i look up in the skies and I see you"..as time goes by "everything reminds me of you"...Whats left now is just "a song without a soul" as I have changed..I notice myself change and I feel disappointed with myself..but I couldnt help it "Im no longer the man I was,like a bird without its wing and a fire without a flame"..I know I shouldn't look back anymore but it was sweet thinking back all the "kenangan terindah" from you and "kan kujadikan kau kenangan" and it will be "yang terukir abadi" in my heart ....I hope I eventually move on.....

"Never cry in love,as the one who dont love you doesnt deserve your tears and the one who love you would never wanna see you cry" quote from ting ting's pm

im sorry mom

its 2 13 midnite and its less then 12 hours away from my finals..i should be sleeping..but im not...i wasnt studying at all...i couldnt study..im pretty fucked up right now...yea to some of you guys im a loser...if u think i am so let me be..im so not prepare for this sem exam..its not that i don't care...its just not the right time for all this to happen..well i dun blame the time..but i just couldnt handle all this...classmates if you all reading this..don't be surprise i fail all the subs...mom im sorry i too...i just don't know what to do...i have headache recently..bad headache...there are times where i just totally have to sleep because of this..how I wish i can sleep forever and never wake up...i noe i have to get up....i wish i could pull thru either..but this process its taking too long for me...i don't wanna waste my 2nd sem....I must wake up b4 it starts...the longer it take..the longer i suffer..sometimes there are just things i dun wanna let go....but as i hold on...i suffer more and more...some of you might say its not worth....to me its my effort..its not about the "worth"..maybe some of you will say also that if its yours then eventually it will be yours...well...i would say..talking is easy...i wanna let it be also..but my feelings is undeniable..i tried to keep myself occupied..but im seeing that nobody seems to talked to me or find me...i don't know why...maybe im too focussed on something..and when i lost it...i lost everything....you maybe seeing me repeating my 2nd year course for im such a failure that let emotions controls all over me.....mom im sorry....i shouldnt have let it.....I hope i see the new light again..help me get through right guys=).....I noe there is one person that helps me alot....thx cousin...*huggies*...

~falling deep down~

its 3 in the morning..i couldnt sleep and i couldnt study...i don't know where to express my feelings...it seems like everyone i talked to couldnt help me much...i wasnt the real me recently...i wish i was the happy me last time..there are times where i wanna sleep and don't wanna wake up anymore...there are times i felt that life is enough and it should end right here right now..I know you readers would say ending everything its not a solution..but talking is so easy...be in my condition...step into my shoes...you might say its juz a small pile of your life....Ill say its a big hole in my life which I step into..I really hope I can get through my life..Since the day I first created this blog I was never happy..It wasnt what I want in my life..I tried very hard to get back to the right track..but I am going further from where I should be...I thought I was strong enough to get through all this...but Im never this weak in my life..You might say time is all you need...Ill tell you I'm running out of time..its not that i wanted all this thing to distract my life..You can say its the way how you look at it...Ill tell you no matter how hard I try to look at it..its the same to me..I tried everything you guys ask me to do..I took every advice...but i couldnt get it through..Im stuck in this deep black hole..I couldnt study...my emotions is out of control...having to get through everyday is going tougher by the day..Some of you might say there are people have tougher life than me...Ill say I admit im weak...I have gave everything in trying to mend back my life...I sacrifice everything to make this all worked..I am lost....please give me back my map...anyone?please show me the light...anyone?....recently i realise i drive very fast...which I don't know why I just like to speed...even a small "kampung" road I can go until 95km/hour...mayb my sub-concious mind want to end my life..I wouldnt wanna end my life just yet..but it seems to be so hard and time just stop here...what I have to do to get back up...Ill try anything..but so far I couldnt move myself for what i have tried...I dont feel like going back home either...I dont wanna let my parents worry...There are times at night where I totally break down to my tears for seeing myself such a failure..I was not born to be a failure..I wasnt suppose to let down my parents...but all this things are making me head towards of being a failure person in life....This chapter of my life is very sad and yet meaningful..there are times where I learn to be a better man..but as far as I have change in terms of myself..I just couldnt pull it through..I couldnt get myself back....On tuesday a friend of mine message me after the MIS exam...she was very concern of my because I have gone out early throughout my two important main paper..I wasnt like this during my finals a few times ago..she know I am distracted by things going around me...she encourage me....Actually I wanna say something to this friend of mine..."Nicole..I really did tried my best...Im sorry for letting you down..I tried everything to pass the moment of difficulties in my life..but Im still stuck..eventhough I dont know what to write in the paper..but I stil write...I just couldnt get through all this"...I just dont know what to say anymore...I really hope I can get through all this...Im really running out of time...At times I want to run away from reality..but I chose to face it...but facing it doesnt really doing me any good either..I kept telling myself to be strong...As strong I can get...I kept fall back because I only reach halfway...

Im running out of time.............